Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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