I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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