I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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