the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
