I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
