don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
