There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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