just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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