ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
