my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
