btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
