I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
