I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
