I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
