It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
