I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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