dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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