We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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