HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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