i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
