I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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