before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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