im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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