Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
