She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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