i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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