if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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