Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
