I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
