My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
