I accidentally burped into my bong.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
