I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
