I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
