she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
