I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
