3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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