i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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