So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
