just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
