beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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