found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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