i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
