Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
