i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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