I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
