i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
