i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
