You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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