There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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