I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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