one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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