saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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